I don't believe I have ever complaint about life as much as I'm about to do it right now and, I apologize if this offends you or makes you think the worst of me, but I really need to let it out and writing is what helps me the most.
Today, I am pissed off at life like I have never ever been and it has not been an easy thing to admit, as I have always tried to remain positive and get "the best" out of the worst situations; like even in my worst moments, I'd justify them or at least try to understand them and learn from them and...well, you know, all those things that are supposed to make you grow up and become a better person. But I have just decided I am not willing to do that anymore, i am going to be pissed off at life for being unfair and slapping me in the fucking face incredibly hard when I least expected it. I might not be pissed forever, I might be, I don't know, but I do know I am going to let it out while I am.
This is about my Mom and the "Big Fucking C" aka Cancer. As you may know -if you're a regular to this Blog- Mom was diagnosed with RCC (Renal Cell Cancer) - Stage 4 just a few months ago. Many things have happened ever since, many good, many bad, many terrible; I've been sad, I've been mad, I've cried, I've smiled, I've prayed, I've been hopeful, I've been thankful, but to sum it all up, out of all of this the best thing is that my Mom is still with me and doing good in general, and the worst thing is that my Mom will never be herself again, you know, the one i was used to, the one I grew up with, the one who used to take care of me, the one who used to spoil me, the one who used to be there for me no matter what, the one with pretty curly hair and a big smile on her face, the one who's so strong she makes me feel safe regardless the situation...no, that woman is now gone and she left without notice, she abandoned me and it's not at all her fault, of course, but she is gone and I miss her and I want her back. Pretty selfish, I know, but that's how I feel. Newsflash: Humans are selfish!
Needless to say, life has not been the same ever since the prognosis...everything changed forever in one night. I still remember the day as if it was just yesterday: That morning, mom and I had coffee together in the morning and then she left for work -I still even remember what she was wearing that day. It was a holiday so I stayed home and made crepes in the evening when all the sudden, mom came through the door all upset and crying, unable to coordinate or express herself properly. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it wasn't good. It's been over 6 months since that night, THE Night to which there is a before and an after.
I tried to deal with the whole situation the best way I could, there were really, really low times and awful situations we all (my family and I) went through, I had the most horrible depression I have ever had in my life and, somehow, I managed to get out of it and actually after that, life seemed almost normal again, you know? I never thought I could have a "normal life" again but, for sometime, it felt like I did...up until today. Mom had a relapse. She went to the hospital to get some lab tests done (all by herself -our fault) and she started feeling bad and passed out, she fell off and hit her head, so hard she had to get stitches. She lost consciousness for a few hours and when she came back to herself she was like back to day one: with no body coordination, incapable of proper speech and all confused about anything and everything. 12 hours later me and my sister came to find out she was admitted to the hospital and went to get her, when we got there, she was crying...so I couldn't help myself and cried as well. It just breaks my heart seeing my mom so vulnerable, even after all we've been through, i am not used to it. She was scared coz she'd been there too long all by herself and didn't know when/if we were coming, I mean, of course we were but she was feeling all confused about it. Luckily, she is doing alright now, at least alright enough for her to be discharged, so we brought her home with us.
Thing is, I am tired. I was not ready for this, i did not see this one coming and I think that's why life made it happen...to make me snap out of my stupidity of thinking I could have a normal life again, I was wrong, I can't ever have a normal life again and it pisses me off so fucking much, like, you have no idea. Right now, I don't think life is fair and I keep wondering "why?', "why us?", "why now?" and questions of the sorts, and you may have answers like "why not?", "it's karma", "it's a lesson life wants you to learn", "it's the way you set it up to happen coz you knew you can deal with it" and well, many things people have actually said to me, but like I said, today I don't want to believe, I don't want to understand, I wanna be pissed off and not be judged for it. So know this, I am pissed off at life and I might be for a while. Don't take it personal, don't judge me, fuck off.
