Though I know it is a happy day for most of you, today is a really hard day for me as it is the first Mother's Day that Mom's not with me. I remember this day last year I thought I wasn't gonna be lucky enough to still have Mom with me, but I did and it made me really happy and I seized that day as I don't think I ever had. Today, I look back at those moments and tears run down my eyes, some of happiness and some of sadness because I know I will never have moments like those again but, at the same time, I'm happy I got to live them.
When we're young, we use to take our parents for granted, not realizing there will come a day when we no longer have them with us; it is normal, but that doesn't mean you can't do things differently. ("Les parents ne sont pas éternels" is a quote from a movie I love and well, it is true) I was very lucky to have a really tight relationship with my Mom and even though -for the most part- I did what I could to make the best out of my time with her, there are times where I still feel like I could have done better and not because I didn't do enough but because, when you lose a parent (or in this case, your Mother) you will always feel like the time you had was not enough, what you did was not enough, you will always feel like you could have done/had more; however, you will learn to treasure the moments you shared like nothing else and you will also learn how to live in peace with what you did, knowing that it was the best you could at the time.
And, regarding my day, well...most of my friends (the very few I got left) don't ask me how I am or how I feel after all I went through, or about Mom...they all actually try to avoid mentioning her at all. I figured it's because they think talking about her is gonna make me sad and I'll burst into tears right in front of them and well, it is understandable, nobody likes seeing someone cry, especially if they're your friends; it's usually awkward and you don't know how to act on it. One of my close friends actually confirmed this theory for me, she told me that -indeed- she had never wanted to mention the topic of my Mom (or how I really was) because she thought asking me would make me think of her and make me sad; well, newsflash people: I think of my Mom 24/7, not that I'm obsessed ONLY thinking of her all the time but she is in my thoughts throughout my day and though, not always as deeply, as I also need to move on with my life, she's always on my mind and heart; so, talking about her or mentioning her would most likely always, ALWAYS bring a smile to my face -remembering her and talking about her is one of the things that make me the happiest these days.
Whenever I think of Mumsy, I do get mixed feelings as on one side, it makes me really happy to remember her because that is my way to keep her close to me, and on the other side, it also makes me very sad because it's a constant reminder of her absence, of the fact that I will never get to live such moments ever again, but all in all, thinking of her is a good thing for me. Now, I don't want you to think I want you to ask me how I am or whatever, I just want you to not be afraid of asking when you do wanna know.
Today, all I can do is think of her and all the moments that we shared, good and bad, I get to miss her and, since holding her is not an option, I get to share stories about her to feel as if she's alive, even if it's just for a little while.
Bottom line is, love and cherish your mothers, spoil them and do your best to understand them, share your life with them and not just today, but everyday; after all, it is (if not the most) one of the most important relationships in your life.
*I wanna send a special shout-out to my friends David + Paola who have been an amazing support to me + my sister and have been genuinely empathetic as they've gone through a similar situation -we Mom-Orphans stick together! Love you very much, guys, thank you for being there!
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| After a great Sunday Brunch with Mumsy |
