Disheartened

Today I need to write because I feel like there’s so much I need to let out. And I wanna start by saying that I am really, really mad at myself for being so stupid and for a moment (a long one) allowing myself to believe I had the slightest chance to survive cancer, to beat it with some sort of miracle or whatever. The results after the 1^st round of chemo were good so I felt positive and I guess I just assumed I’d only keep on getting better and better, maybe up until the point where I’d be able to go into remission, at least for a while and I mean, a while longer than the 1 to 5 years the doctors are giving me, perhaps at least 10 to 15 I thought; but no, things don’t quite work like that and the doctor was sure to let me know so today. 

After my doctor’s appointment today I started crying and I didn’t see it coming, to be honest, there was no real reason to cry, I mean, yes, the doctor made sure to make it clear to me (in case it wasn’t)  80% of the patients after these type of treatments have their tumors grow back until the spread to other organs and die but, then again, I already knew it. I knew it from the day I accepted to take the treatment, I knew, and still do, perfectly well that this treatment is not for me to be cured but only to try to make my life a bit longer and to, in any case, improve my quality of life. So, I dunno, I guess I cried because, like I said, I felt stupid that I allowed myself to believe something else or more because I was mad at myself for being so stupid.

Anyway, I still feel upset about it and not at the doctor or the cancer or anything nor anyone else but myself. I already knew the scenario and what has to be done, yet, I let it knock me down again today as if I wasn’t familiar with it from before. Now I know I should NEVER let that happen again. I have terminal cancer and only a handful of years to live so I should be, not precisely worrying about it, but start taking care of my life plan for those years so I, at least, get to live the rest of my life however I want to live it, right now, that’s what’s important and what I need to deal with.