Coming out of the Cancer Closet

It's been 8 months now since I was diagnosed with Esophagus Cancer Stage 3B and I have only told a few of my friends because, for some (or various) reason it isn't something I wanna go public about. When my mom got sick with RCC (Renal Cell Carcinoma), she was very open about it, everybody knew she was sick, her friends, family (obviously), workmates and even just acquaintances. For me however, going public about it is a whole different thing, I mean, it's not because I think it's something that should be a secret or anything but I just don't feel quite comfortable with people knowing, you know? 

One of the big reasons, and I know it might sound stupid, is because I don't want people to pity me, I don't want them to think of me as a victim, or call me "warrior' or such things that would only piss me off rather than actually help me or make me feel better because they feel condescending. Now, I know many people wouldn't do that, but most of them would; and being or feeling like a victim is the least I want or need right now. I just wanna feel like a normal person, who is sick, yes, but who's still normal and capable of having a good life even if it's just for a few more years.

My sister sometimes insists on me going public about it but I am still not sure even after such a long time, I guess I wanna wait until I finish chemo first, once I do and I know more about what's exactly going to happen for me in the next couple of years, then maybe I will feel better about opening up about it.

Another thing is that I am a YouTuber (along with my sister) and even though I am not that famous or anything, I am still sort of a public figure and I don't know how people would react to it, I mean, yeah, I'd get a lot of support from many people, sure, but I know there would probably also be people who's super idiotic and would say some things like "they're glad I'm sick" or something of the sorts, you know? (Internet, unfortunately, allows a lot of a-holes to express their irrelevant opinions on things that don't even concern them at all!) And I don't think I am prepared to do that, at this point, I don't know if I'd have the strength to deal with it, so, that's another reason I don't wanna go public about it.

However, physical changes are happening such as hair loss (one of the worst side effects), bloated face and things that are pretty noticeable, so I am thinking that would be a reason I'd open up about it, though I don't feel quite ready just yet; but also, I don't want people asking questions about these changes, like, why I now wear a hat all the time (which I am completely tired of!) or why sometimes I look like I ate myself and got so bloated or things like that. So, I am thinking I either come out about it or stop making videos, which I don't want to do because it is one of the things I enjoy the most about my life at the time. I have a lot of fun making them and it is something that makes me feel good in general and it's also something to keep me busy (besides work) and keep my mind occupied with good/fun things, rather than sad, awful things like the hospitalization every month, side effects and the general sadness and/or depression a disease like this can cause.

So yeah, I wanted to write about it now because it always helps me write what and how I feel, it's a very cathartic process for me so here I am. Although when this is published, it will probably be at least a couple of months old. Still, I have hopes that this might help someone else who is in the same situation as me or a similar one and they identify themselves with me and feel empathy; I've found empathy to be a very helpful thing in situations like these, even if it comes from a stranger. Just reading or hearing about someone who's been or is going through the same things/processes you're going through can be quite...comforting, as it sort of lets you know you're not alone, that there's someone out there who feels just the way you feel and that is going through the exact same thing and actually understands what you're going through.

So, if you're out there reading this and are going through the same or a similar situation, please, feel free to reach out.

 

Disheartened

Today I need to write because I feel like there’s so much I need to let out. And I wanna start by saying that I am really, really mad at myself for being so stupid and for a moment (a long one) allowing myself to believe I had the slightest chance to survive cancer, to beat it with some sort of miracle or whatever. The results after the 1^st round of chemo were good so I felt positive and I guess I just assumed I’d only keep on getting better and better, maybe up until the point where I’d be able to go into remission, at least for a while and I mean, a while longer than the 1 to 5 years the doctors are giving me, perhaps at least 10 to 15 I thought; but no, things don’t quite work like that and the doctor was sure to let me know so today. 

After my doctor’s appointment today I started crying and I didn’t see it coming, to be honest, there was no real reason to cry, I mean, yes, the doctor made sure to make it clear to me (in case it wasn’t)  80% of the patients after these type of treatments have their tumors grow back until the spread to other organs and die but, then again, I already knew it. I knew it from the day I accepted to take the treatment, I knew, and still do, perfectly well that this treatment is not for me to be cured but only to try to make my life a bit longer and to, in any case, improve my quality of life. So, I dunno, I guess I cried because, like I said, I felt stupid that I allowed myself to believe something else or more because I was mad at myself for being so stupid.

Anyway, I still feel upset about it and not at the doctor or the cancer or anything nor anyone else but myself. I already knew the scenario and what has to be done, yet, I let it knock me down again today as if I wasn’t familiar with it from before. Now I know I should NEVER let that happen again. I have terminal cancer and only a handful of years to live so I should be, not precisely worrying about it, but start taking care of my life plan for those years so I, at least, get to live the rest of my life however I want to live it, right now, that’s what’s important and what I need to deal with.

Thankful!

Today, among some personal documents, I found a text I wrote about a year ago where I explain -don't really know why or to whom- why I started and keep this blog. I must say it is a pretty good reason and I am still thankful I did and, even though I don't post as much as I used to, when I do, it helps me keep real and keep things real.

Here's what I wrote back in August 2014.

"The main reason why I keep this blog is to have a record of myself, of who I am at different times and stages of my life. From time to time, I like to read old posts and see how I was like and how/if I’ve changed.

Today I was reading it and -basically- only one word came to mind: THANKFUL! I was very thankful before but now that I’ve gone through the rough stories again, through my reading and by remembering with those words the ones I left out, the untold stories, the details of the hardships, I feel nothing but happy and thankful for the chances life has given me, certainly not for free, I am also thankful for being the kind of person that takes chances coz that’s what always leads you elsewhere and you never know, but maybe some time, it will lead you exactly where you wanna go. The thing with chances is that you gotta be wise enough to take them as they come because, believe me, they never come twice. So try not to be so uptight and over-think things as you may lose a good chance. Now, it is true that if something is meant to be, it is meant to be; but you cannot leave everything to fate, you gotta make a little effort to help it and help yourself."

My Mom used to say...

Sometimes, I get so distracted with everyday-life things and I forget about what really matters. At times, I also seem to lose my way and then, I end up looking for advice in the wrong place: with people who haven't got the slightest idea about life or things that matter; a common mistake I make every now and then. Fortunately, then I remember I also have people who do have an idea about life and real matters, so I go to them and they are good help. 

And then, the best thing happens, I remember how amazing Mom was and how full of true wisdom she was -in spite of being relatively young- and I go back to her old letters, well, more like emails really, but letters sounds more romantic and also, they ARE letters, only presented in electronic form. Anyhow, I go through her old "letters" and then not only do I find comfort in them, in spite of the tears they bring to my eyes every single time I read them, but I remember so many important things I should never forget, such as what life is really about and, I understand so much and, the reasons why I am who I am and the way I am become pretty clear again. I swear I read them and, in a way, it all makes sense, you know what I mean? It's like, I understand again things I had already understood in the past but forgotten lately, so it's a bit like recovering an old piece of me and, at the same time, getting close to Mom again.

These are some of the phrases she said to me and that I've taken to my heart as not only they helped me when she said them at the moment I needed them but because they keep on helping and nurturing me every time I re-read them. 

"¡Cuídate mucho y disfruta cada momento, que la vida es irrepetible!"

(Take care and enjoy every moment, because life is unrepeatable!"

I know that now and that is why I try to enjoy as much as possible every moment.

"Recuerda que la vida usualmente te va llevando de la mano."

(Remember that life usually takes you by the hand." 
It really does, sometimes, through ways I don't know or understand, but usually, to end up in a good place.

"Sabes que estoy muy orgullosa de tí, hagas lo que hagas, estés donde estés, pienses lo que pienses, te quiero mucho mi vida."

(You know that I'm very proud of you; whatever you do, wherever you are, whatever you believe, I love you very much, my love."
This is why I am not afraid to show people I love them, because I was always shown I was loved and cared for. And also, where much of my confidence comes from, I believe.

"Descansa todo lo que puedas, disfruta todo lo que debes, aprende lo mejor que creas, pero sobretodo vive cada momento como mejor te plazca."

(Rest as much as you can, enjoy everything you must, learn what you think is best but, above all, live every moment as you please.)
This is why I am such a free person and why I always do what I want and feel -for good or bad.

"Sabes que siempre estaré para ti, no importa dónde estés ni qué hagas, lo que si es muy importante es que lo que hagas sea porque realmente quieres hacerlo, no por los demás y mucho menos por no querer decepcionar a nadie"

(You know that I'll always be there for you, no matter where you are or what you do, what is really important is that whatever you do, you do it because you really wanna do it, not for anyone else and much less not to disappoint people.)
This is why I know she's, somehow, still with me and why I mostly do, or strive, to do things I am really into and also why -for the most part- I don't care about other people's opinion.

"Cuídate mucho y pidele a Dios lo que deseas, que siempre te escucha y lo sabes."

(Take good care and ask God what you wish for, he's always listening and
you know it.)
This is why, no matter what, I believe in God. She always made sure I knew he's there.

"La vida es como el cáncer...hay días buenos y días malos...lo mejor es disfrutar los primeros y sobrellevar los segundos!"

(Life is like cancer...there are good days and bad days...the best is to enjoy the former and endure the latter!)
This is just the most f*cking amazing thing, cancer is what killed her and there she was, looking at the bright side of things; this is why sometimes I'm hopelessly positive.

So yeah, this is just a bit of who my Mom was and what she taught me. She probably didn't know it then, and neither did I, but all of them are certainly great life lessons that I shall take with me for as long as I live.


Thank you, Mumsy! ♥

Don’t Visit Korea…

In many countries of the World, the Hallyu Wave aka Korean Wave has made a huge impact in the past few years. Girls everywhere are going crazy about K-Pop music and the “idols” in their boy bands, about Korean Dramas and the good-looking guys in them; however, South Korea is so much more than that. The real South Korea has so many more things to offer than just Hallyu. South Korea is an amazing country with a heritage worth knowing, it has incredible architecture, both, traditional and modern; it has really good food and above all, really good people.

A lot of people may not see South Korea as a destination worth traveling to as a tourist because they believe they won’t find anything else but K-pop and K-Dramas and it doesn’t really have any major landmark or cultural representative; in short, most people think South Korea is not for you if you’re not a teenager with the hot pants for Korean boys; however, as an experienced traveler, I can tell you this country has so much to offer that is definitely worth the trip all the way to the good old East.

In South Korea you will find art, culture, delicious food, history, beautiful beaches, wonderful architecture, lots of good shopping, entertainment, mountains and, of course, nice people. You may call South Korea the “off-the-beaten-path” country of the East. Yes, everyone knows about Japan and China, and everyone wants to visit Kyoto and see Geishas, and go to Cat Cafes; and everyone wants to see the Great Wall, eat real Chinese food and see Bruce Lee’s homeland; but not really a lot of people know about South Korea and the great finding it is as a destination.

So, if you call yourself a real traveler and are always in the look for places where you can learn, have fun and just enjoy yourself, this might be it for you! Otherwise…

Don’t visit South Korea if you’re not open to new things.
Don’t visit South Korea if you don’t wanna discover a new culture.
Don’t visit South Korea if you don’t wanna open your world to awesome adventures.
Don’t visit South Korea if you think it’s all about K-Pop and K-Dramas here.
Don’t visit South Korea if you if you only travel to places to see their “must-see” landmarks.
Don’t visit South Korea if you only visit “hot” countries everyone else visits.
Don’t visit South Korea if you’re not open to experience new flavours and textures in foods.
Don’t visit South Korea if you think everyone here looks like they do on TV.
And above all…
Don’t visit South Korea if you’re not looking to have wonderful travel experience!