Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Where does YOUR story begin?

Some would say their story begins at a certain point where something epic happened to them, either good or bad. Not me. As far as I'm concern, my story began the day I was born and developed through the years I've lived and around everything that has happened to me; the good, the bad, the crazy, the fun, the sad, the amazing, the unbelievable, the heartbreaking, every little thing and/or event that occurred to me in my life is exactly what makes up MY story and, above all, who I am to this day.

Massive tragedies have marked my life, yes, but that does not mean my story began from those moments on; it only means the plot thickened and many, many twists were making the story more rich and, somehow, interesting.

When things that change your life forever happen to you, you, somehow, become someone else; sometimes only temporarily, sometimes forever, so it's not only your life that changes but you change along with it.

I recently read a cancer blogger(?) who was talking about her illness and she mentioned her story began the day she was diagnosed, which I found a bit odd, to be honest. It left me wondering, had she had an irrelevant life? Did nothing great, fun, crazy, bad, amazing happened to her before that? Because, yes, I know how big of a shock it is to get diagnosed with cancer (especially when you're not even in your 50's!) but to say that YOUR whole life story begins there...I don't know, it is giving it too much of an importance. And, please don't get me wrong, cancer is important, yes, but not THE most important thing you know? I mean, even if you have cancer, you're still a person, you're still you, who you've always been (for the most part, I also know cancer can change you a bit as a person), except now you're sick. But I really don't think getting cancer automatically erases everything that happened to you prior to that nor that it makes them less important or anything like that at all, you know what I mean? It does shape you into a different person, but not completely; how you grew up, what you experienced in your life up until that point, it still makes most of who you are in life, it is still part of you and what helps create YOUR story.

So, again, if you ask me, my story began the day I was born and it's still being written to this day, adding new exciting, crazy, awful, sad and happy chapters to it.

So, what about you? When does YOUR story begin?


Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Coming out of the Cancer Closet

It's been 8 months now since I was diagnosed with Esophagus Cancer Stage 3B and I have only told a few of my friends because, for some (or various) reason it isn't something I wanna go public about. When my mom got sick with RCC (Renal Cell Carcinoma), she was very open about it, everybody knew she was sick, her friends, family (obviously), workmates and even just acquaintances. For me however, going public about it is a whole different thing, I mean, it's not because I think it's something that should be a secret or anything but I just don't feel quite comfortable with people knowing, you know? 

One of the big reasons, and I know it might sound stupid, is because I don't want people to pity me, I don't want them to think of me as a victim, or call me "warrior' or such things that would only piss me off rather than actually help me or make me feel better because they feel condescending. Now, I know many people wouldn't do that, but most of them would; and being or feeling like a victim is the least I want or need right now. I just wanna feel like a normal person, who is sick, yes, but who's still normal and capable of having a good life even if it's just for a few more years.

My sister sometimes insists on me going public about it but I am still not sure even after such a long time, I guess I wanna wait until I finish chemo first, once I do and I know more about what's exactly going to happen for me in the next couple of years, then maybe I will feel better about opening up about it.

Another thing is that I am a YouTuber (along with my sister) and even though I am not that famous or anything, I am still sort of a public figure and I don't know how people would react to it, I mean, yeah, I'd get a lot of support from many people, sure, but I know there would probably also be people who's super idiotic and would say some things like "they're glad I'm sick" or something of the sorts, you know? (Internet, unfortunately, allows a lot of a-holes to express their irrelevant opinions on things that don't even concern them at all!) And I don't think I am prepared to do that, at this point, I don't know if I'd have the strength to deal with it, so, that's another reason I don't wanna go public about it.

However, physical changes are happening such as hair loss (one of the worst side effects), bloated face and things that are pretty noticeable, so I am thinking that would be a reason I'd open up about it, though I don't feel quite ready just yet; but also, I don't want people asking questions about these changes, like, why I now wear a hat all the time (which I am completely tired of!) or why sometimes I look like I ate myself and got so bloated or things like that. So, I am thinking I either come out about it or stop making videos, which I don't want to do because it is one of the things I enjoy the most about my life at the time. I have a lot of fun making them and it is something that makes me feel good in general and it's also something to keep me busy (besides work) and keep my mind occupied with good/fun things, rather than sad, awful things like the hospitalization every month, side effects and the general sadness and/or depression a disease like this can cause.

So yeah, I wanted to write about it now because it always helps me write what and how I feel, it's a very cathartic process for me so here I am. Although when this is published, it will probably be at least a couple of months old. Still, I have hopes that this might help someone else who is in the same situation as me or a similar one and they identify themselves with me and feel empathy; I've found empathy to be a very helpful thing in situations like these, even if it comes from a stranger. Just reading or hearing about someone who's been or is going through the same things/processes you're going through can be quite...comforting, as it sort of lets you know you're not alone, that there's someone out there who feels just the way you feel and that is going through the exact same thing and actually understands what you're going through.

So, if you're out there reading this and are going through the same or a similar situation, please, feel free to reach out.


Wednesday, March 2, 2016


Today I need to write because I feel like there’s so much I need to let out. And I wanna start by saying that I am really, really mad at myself for being so stupid and for a moment (a long one) allowing myself to believe I had the slightest chance to survive cancer, to beat it with some sort of miracle or whatever. The results after the 1st round of chemo were good so I felt positive and I guess I just assumed I’d only keep on getting better and better, maybe up until the point where I’d be able to go into remission, at least for a while and I mean, a while longer than the 1 to 5 years the doctors are giving me, perhaps at least 10 to 15 I thought; but no, things don’t quite work like that and the doctor was sure to let me know so today. 

After my doctor’s appointment today I started crying and I didn’t see it coming, to be honest, there was no real reason to cry, I mean, yes, the doctor made sure to make it clear to me (in case it wasn’t)  80% of the patients after these type of treatments have their tumors grow back until the spread to other organs and die but, then again, I already knew it. I knew it from the day I accepted to take the treatment, I knew, and still do, perfectly well that this treatment is not for me to be cured but only to try to make my life a bit longer and to, in any case, improve my quality of life. So, I dunno, I guess I cried because, like I said, I felt stupid that I allowed myself to believe something else or more because I was mad at myself for being so stupid.

Anyway, I still feel upset about it and not at the doctor or the cancer or anything nor anyone else but myself. I already knew the scenario and what has to be done, yet, I let it knock me down again today as if I wasn’t familiar with it from before. Now I know I should NEVER let that happen again. I have terminal cancer and only a handful of years to live so I should be, not precisely worrying about it, but start taking care of my life plan for those years so I, at least, get to live the rest of my life however I want to live it, right now, that’s what’s important and what I need to deal with.