Friday, February 21, 2014

21 Months ago on the 21

It’s been a while since I last wrote something –really- personal here but I feel like I need it. As some of you may know, 21 Months ago on the 21, I suffered the biggest loss ever…I lost my Mom to cancer. That changed my life forever. The whole first year seemed blurry for a while, I had to think hard to remember what had happened during that period, and then I remembered it was awful. I felt not only sad and completely wrecked, but also lost, angry, hopeless, hateful and had all these terrible feelings no one ever wants to have but that is good we all experience at least once as humans. I even went to therapy.

During that year, besides losing my Mom to Cancer, I lost my family to egoism, stupidity and lack of understanding (all from their part, of course). I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it publicly because I didn’t think it was even worth mentioning but now I feel much more at peace with myself and my life so now I can bring it up without an issue. So, after all those losses, all I got left was my sister; she became my only family and pretty much (or so I thought) all I got. I am thankful that we’re so close and mindful of each other, we always were, but now it’s different…our relationship is not only better, but it is stronger and also much happier than it’s ever been. And all of this is thanks to my Mom, not because she passed away and we had to become close, but because she raised us in her own way, with her own rules as she had no proper examples to follow regarding raising a child; still, she did what she thought was best, she gave us the best of herself, always provided for us, and not only with material things but also with the most important thing of all: LOVE! No matter what the situation, the times, the problems…love was there at all times, above all things. That’s how Mom raised us and perhaps we didn’t appreciate it (or notice it) as much as we do now as adults but now I am incredibly thankful for that, because thanks to that, now I know better and am able to actually be a better person everyday.

The love that Mom gave me encourages me everyday to go on and move forward, to fight for what I want, to not give up so easily; so even in the hard times (like the ones we’ve had a lot of lately), I feel like I’m stumbling, yes…but I know I won’t fall. I know that, if I’m strong enough, I will be able to keep ahead and get wherever I want. Because that’s who my Mom raised me to be.

I know she is watching and I certainly hope that, wherever she is right now, she is proud of us and happy to see us happy with ourselves, with our lives, with what we’ve got -no matter how little or much it is- because at the end of the day, everything I do is not just for me or for my sister, but for her. Making her proud is still –and always will be- one of the main reasons why I do what I do and why I try to be better and make the best out of life. Although I do get very sad and emotional everytime I see someone (around my age) with their Mom, or when I see some expats sharing photos of their Mom’s visiting them in Seoul and stuff, I honestly cry whenever I see that because I get sad and it makes me really jealous that I will never get to do that, that Mom won’t come visit me and see how I’m doing so far away from home, I won’t ever –again- get to see her pretty face full of pride because of me.

And now you all see me happy and content with myself, and I am, trust me; but please, don’t you EVER dare to think that I forgot about Mom and that I don’t think about her and talk to her every single  day, because I do. She is a huge part of me and no matter how much time it passes or what happens, nothing will ever change that.

Mumsy + Moi

In spite of everything that’s happened, of so much suffering, a lot of hard times and whatnot; now, 21 Months after that sad 21, I am really INCREDIBLY THANKFUL with everything that’s happened in my life; the good, the bad and the ugly (yes, like the movie!). And, maybe I don’t always know or understand why certain things happen when they do but I’ve come to terms with the fact that everything DOES happen for a reason (no matter how cheesy and repetitive it sounds!) and sometimes we don’t see it right away, but time usually give us the answer and, in the end, it is all life lessons that we have to learn in order to become who we’re meant to be. I am also really thankful for having so many great people in my life, people that in spite of not being related to me by blood, love me, worry about me, take care of me and is there for me; I’m even thankful for the random people that life puts in my way even if it’s just for a bit cause I know there’s a reason for it. And, above all, I am THANKFUL and HAPPY for My Sister, because without her, nothing would be the same and I would not be who I am. 

Gichef, Mumsy + Moi

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